


why am i the one

by itsfromjapaAAAAAAAN (alex_marie1324)



Series: songfics [20]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Marriage, Unhappy marriage, theyre gonna work it out eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 11:14:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13902846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alex_marie1324/pseuds/itsfromjapaAAAAAAAN
Summary: or go on, go on, go on, if you were thinking that the worst is yet to come;why am i the one always packing up my stuff?





	why am i the one

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t have much to say for this one. It was almost not a happy-ish ending?
> 
>  
> 
> _originally posted[here](http://aminoapps.com/p/4sam92)_
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> [song inspo](https://youtu.be/eTedtzozrAo)  
> 

_i got enough on my mind,_  
_that when she pulls me by the hair,_  
_she hasn't much to hold onto._

Life doesn’t turn out perfect probably 80% of the time. Michael used to think he’d end up one of the lucky ones, living a happy life with someone he loved.

But now mornings consisted of grumbles and pushing and an exchange of glares. With the one person he really did love, but life had worn them. They weren’t kids anymore.

“Get up. You have work,” Jeremy’s voice interrupted his thoughts. He groaned. “Come on,” Jeremy leaned down from buttoning up his shirt to shove him.

“I’m going.”

 _she keeping count on her hand:_  
_one, two, three days that i’ve been sleeping on my side._

Jeremy hated this. Despised it, actually. Waking up every morning without Michael wrapped around him like he used to do. They were about to reach a record of a whole week with Michael sleeping facing the opposite direction.

He twisted the ring around his finger, wondering what it even meant anymore if they hardly touched.

 _i finish kissing my death,_  
_so now i head back up the steps,_  
_thinking about where i’ve been._  
_i mean the sun was never like this._

There was one saving grace. Everyday before Michael left, they kissed. It was probably the only real contact they had for about two weeks now.

”I’m leaving now,” Michael said, taking a few strides up to face Jeremy.

Jeremy turned away. “Bye.”

Michael looked down. “Bye,” he mumbled, and very softly, as if only to himself, he added, “I love you.”

He turned away and was out the door before he could hear Jeremy let out a strangled noise, like a sob.

 _i wanna feel with the seasons._  
_i guess it makes sense._

All day long after that, Jeremy ached. He wished he’d said it back, he wished he’d grabbed Michael’s arm and looked him dead in the eye and said he wanted to fix things.

But he hadn’t.

 _cos my life's become as vapid as,_  
_a night out in Los Angeles,_  
_and i just wanna stay in bed._

Michael wasn’t really sure where everything went wrong. He couldn’t even pinpoint a time frame. It was after they got married, and the honeymoon wore off. They were both busy with work after that, and somewhere along the line stopped really talking to each other much.

And although the physical distance didn’t start til much later, the emotional distance was the catalyst for sure.

 _and hold you like i used to,_  
_you know that I am home._  
_so, darling, if you love me,_  
_would you let me know?_

Jeremy was hard to read, so Michael never could tell if what he was doing was what he wanted. Out of fear that Jeremy didn’t want him anymore, he’d stopped automatically wrapping his arms around him any chance he got. And he still couldn’t tell what Jeremy was thinking when he tried to understand.

He wanted to hold him again.

And, though he was sure Jeremy didn’t hear him, he really wished Jeremy would’ve said ‘I love you too’. Something, anything to make him think there was something worth saving there.

He wasn’t sure anymore.

 _or go on, go on, go on, if you were thinking that the worst is yet to come;_  
_why am i the one always packing up my stuff?_

When Jeremy got home, Michael was packing. Alarm bells went off in his head.

“Micha-“

“I’m leaving. I’m sorry.”

There was a long silence. Jeremy stood, mouth agape. He couldn’t even begin to think of what to say.

Michael must’ve read his silence as uncaring, because he continued undeterred. “I don’t- this isn’t working. I don’t know what you want, or, or need from me. But it’s not working.”

“I just want you,” the words fell out of their own accord, ringing a truth Jeremy never could’ve said on his own.

Michael set his bags down on the bed, zipping it up and staring at it. Jeremy wished he could read minds.

 _for once, for once, for once i get the feeling that i’m right where i belong._  
_why am i the one always packing up my stuff?_

Michael nodded a little. “If-“ he swallowed, “if you want me, I’ll stay.”

A pang hit Jeremy’s chest hard. Michael felt unwanted, that’s why he was going to leave in the first place. His throat felt tight. “Of course I want you.”

 _she got enough on her mind,_  
_that she feel no sorrow._

After that, Jeremy couldn’t remember Michael really seeming to feel any extreme emotion. He seemed to be too busy thinking to worry about joy or even sadness.

Though Jeremy felt sad watching him. He felt like he was holding him back. And god, he didn’t say it nearly enough, but he really loved Michael. And maybe he should let him go.

 _i let my fate fill the air,_  
_so now she rolling down the window._

They were driving, Jeremy behind the wheel and Michael sitting and facing out the window. It was Christmas, they were going to visit family.

Jeremy eventually had enough of the silence. “Are we going to pretend to be okay?”

Michael just sighed. And then started to roll down the window. He needed some air. “Yeah, lets just dump all our martial problems on our unsuspecting parents.”

“Michael-“

“Never mind,” he inhaled. “It’s Christmas,” he smiled tightly, “doesn’t everyone pretend at least for holidays?”

 _never been one to hold on,_  
_but i need a last breath._  
_so i ask if she remembers when,_  
_she used to come and visit me._  
_we were fools to think that nothing could go wrong._

“Do you remember college?”

“What?”

The long car ride had probably been the longest amount of time they’d spent together. Jeremy was seizing it.

“College. When we went to different places and you’d drive three hours to see me,” Jeremy explained.

“Oh.” The window was still open. Michael turned to face it.

“I miss it.”

Michael’s eyes flicked down. “Me too.”

 _go on, go on, go on, if you were thinking that the worst is yet to come;_  
_why am i the one always packing up my stuff?_

The first time wasn’t the last time Michael found himself packing. And every time Jeremy would say one thing, but never the one thing he really wanted to hear, that would make him stay anyway.

He got pretty used to packing and unpacking almost weekly.

 _for once, for once, for once i get the feeling that i’m right where i belong._  
_why am i the one always packing up my stuff?_

_i think i kinda like it but i might have had too much._

It got tiring quickly. He decided he had to go, but he had to do it when Jeremy wasn’t home. Without fail, Jeremy always managed to stop him.

But he was exhausted. He’d had enough of their back and forth and up and down.

He left a note.

 _i’ll move back down,_  
_to this western town._  
_when they find me out,_  
_make no mistake about it._

Jeremy,  
Its cliché to say by the time you’re reading this, I’m already gone, but it’s true. I’m sorry. I couldn’t do this anymore, I’m sure you felt it too. We’re tiring each other out. We’re just no good for each other. And I had to do this when you weren’t home so you couldn’t stop me.  
I love you.  
-Michael

Jeremy could hardly read the end of the note, his eyes were blurred with heavy tears.

 _i’ll move back down,_  
_to this western town._  
_when they find me out,_  
_make no mistake about it._

Michael simply went to his parents house. He knew it was the obvious choice, but at the same time he didn’t think Jeremy would try and find him.

He wasn’t sure why he was so sure of that, but he was.

He did have to explain everything to his parents, but after that, he was allowed to stay for the time being.

 _go on, go on, go on, if you were thinking that the worst is yet to come;_  
_why am i the one always packing up my stuff?_

Jeremy tried to call. His frantic worry kept him up all night. He could guess where Michael went but the worry about what happened now that he’d left was what kept him awake.

He didn’t want to check the mail. He didn’t want to see the papers that truly ended it all. He wasn’t ready.

 _go on, go on, go on, if you were thinking that the worst is yet to come;_  
_why am i the one always packing up my stuff?_  
_for once, for once, for once i get the feeling that i’m right where i belong._  
_why am i the one always packing up my stuff?_

But the papers never came.

Michael kept thinking about it. Filing for divorce, finally. But he didn’t have the heart. Jesus, he loved Jeremy. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t.

He cried. Almost every night for about a month. He just didn’t know what to do.

 _i think i kinda like it but i might have had too much._  
_i’ll move back down..._

Eventually, though, he couldn’t keep going like this. He had to make a decision: go back or file the papers.

He took a deep breath. He squeezed what was in his hands. He had to do this.

With shaky hands, he reached up and knocked on the door. There was some shuffling sounds and then it opened.

And there was Jeremy. Michael’s chest ached at the sight. He looked like he hadn’t slept. Michael hadn’t either, really. But seeing Jeremy look so... bad? It hurt.

“Hi.”

“Hi?” Jeremy looked confused. Fearful.

“I- um-“ he held up the single backpack in his hand. “Can I come in? And... maybe stay?”

“Please.”


End file.
